I recognize it has been a long while since my last update, however I underestimated the effect that revisiting events of the past would have on me. Essentially I had opened old wounds and they needed time to heal back up. Thankfully these types do not cause additional scarring! ;) 

As I was working out today, I decided to play some of my old favorites from Tiesto and one verse from "In The Dark" really stood out to me. 

     "As you walk in the crowded empty spaces
     And you stare at the emptiness around you
     You wanna go to the city and the bright lights
     And get away from the sinners that surround you"

Although this song didn't even exist when I had begun my journey cross country, it says exactly how I was feeling about leaving behind small town Minnesota.

It was a sunny day, that August morning-my last day as a Minnesota resident. My car was packed and I was pumped and ready for a new beginning. I said my goodbyes and I was on my way.  It's kind of funny to think now, how I navigated my way across the United States all by myself with nothing but a road map. GPS wasn't really a thing back then, and if it was the average citizen didn't have it! To be honest, I don't even think I could make it across the US today with just a road map, although the thought it very intriguing!

I don't recall much of my drive. I spent a lot of hours blaring the music--you know, the 12 track cd that I had with me--and letting my hair fly in the wind. I was free. I was starting a new life where nobody knew me and nobody could judge me for mistakes I had made it the past. My slate was clean and I was ready to make somebody proud. Anybody.

The drive itself was rather boring, but I was on a mission so I didn't take much time to explore anyway. I remember bits and pieces of interesting looking towns that I never got a chance to revisit. Nebraska and Colorado stink. That's the one thing I remember from my trip!! The first night I stopped I believe in Colorado (I really wish I had made a journal...). My main concern was getting a place to stay with a pool and a comfy bed. I don't even think I called to check in with anyone during my trek. I think part of me wanted to escape my old life altogether, which is pretty depressing to me even now thinking about it. Each day I drove about 10 hours of so and then checked in for the night.

I was really drawn to the natural beauty of Utah. You see, in Minnesota we have a lot of flat land and pine trees, but Utah was just so much more! The mountains, the landscape, the openness...it was everything I had ever dreamed of. Lucky for me I got to spend a little extra time in Utah because I was having car troubles. My 1995 Grand Am had got me this far and I wasn't about to let it stop me!! I made extra stops at all roadside rests to add "water" to my car to keep it from overheating and stopped one last time for the night. I sought the help of some locals, but unfortunately the shops in Utah didn't open early enough for me so I once again began my journey.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I was pulled over by a Utah Highway Patrol who claimed I didn't use my signal (LIES), however after explaining to him that I was having car troubles and just needed to get to Vegas he let me off despite the fact that I didn't even have my registration in my car. I guess luck, or what I thought was luck, was on my side that day.

I drove a few more hours until I came to the top of a hill and down below was Las Vegas. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing Vegas for the first time from the road. Sure, I had been there once before, but it's a different feeling when you see it for the first time driving, after your long trip, and you've reached your final destination....

I had finally made it! This time I was going to do everything right with no mistakes and no regrets...

My greatest fear is that I have disappointed everyone I have ever met...

I am not really sure where to begin, or how to even tell this story. I have gone over it in my head over and over again. Most of all, I have dwelled on the idea of how to make it sound intriguing or eloquent by using fancy sentences and word techniques, but I don't want to alter the story line in any way. I want it to sound like it's coming from me--from my heart, where it is ultimately coming from!

I want to begin with saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a terrible daughter, terrible friend, and overall just a terrible person. We all have secrets to hide, some bigger than others, and we all deal with them in our own ways. In my case, I allowed those secrets to ultimately take over my life. (At this point I'm not even sure I want to continue writing but I feel compelled to share my story because through all of this I have gained so much confidence, life experience, and I am proud of the woman I have become...we will get to that in later entries.) 

I've always said that I live my life with no regrets, and to be honest, I still believe that to be true.

*sigh* <<that was actually a pretty big sigh! I guess I'll just get started!! Most of  you reading this probably already know a bit of my backstory and have probably already developed opinions on why I was the way that I was. My intention is not to change your opinions in any way, but rather for me to feel some sort of closure. For once in my life I am happy--I have found confidence and it's such an amazing feeling.

Alright already!! We're not going to talk about anything before 2006. I may revisit that later on after I finish the rest of the story! 

I grew up in a small town in Minnesota called Sebeka with a population of 700. We had a liquor store, 2 grocery stores, 2 gas stations, 1 co-op, a public swimming pool and oodles of protestant churches.  Everybody knew everyone and it was impossible to get away with anything because word travels like the plague in a small town. I never really felt like I fit in. I had friends but never anybody I could call my best friend because it seemed like a competition.  It wasn't until after high school that I really started to feel like I belonged. Thank you my dear friend Bud--Bud Light that is to be precise. For once in my life I could converse with people, I had friends, I felt confident, but in reality it was because of my substance addiction.   It wasn't real. The happiness I felt was just alcohol masking the reality of my situation. 

Days would pass and I had this overwhelming sense of belonging. I worked full time, but I also partied every day of my life. I partied to the point that I wouldn't remember half of the things going on. My life was quickly spiraling out of control, but I didn't even have a care in the world. I was given the opportunity to move to Vegas and being the young wild and free girl that I was I ran with it. I put in my two weeks notice at work and finally I was free. I was escaping the loneliness of the life I was living--or so I thought.

I spent the next two weeks partying even harder, because I had no responsibilities at that point. I vaguely remember driving through peoples front yards, going in the ditch, I even got pulled over completely "gone" and somehow managed to get out of any ticket. I honestly believe that I should have gone to jail that night, but either because there was no woman on duty or because the officer on duty recognized my name and decided to give me a break. Who knows. The first of many lucky encounters I guess. I was 20 years old and living my life! 

My craziness lasted for about two weeks and then it was time to embark on my journey from Sebeka, MN to Las Vegas, NV all by myself. I was young and crazy and excited to make a fresh start. Somewhere where nobody knew me. Where I could start this new chapter and not feel tainted. The night before my departure my best friend and my aunt were over to say their goodbyes. We had fun, we played games, probably reminisced--it has been so long now so I don't really remember specifics. I think a part of all of us didn't really think that I would last out there. I would probably go for a couple weeks and make my way back. It was soooo hard to sleep that night. The anticipation had taken over! 

The next morning I woke up ready to rock and roll. I was slightly disappointed because my dad had already left for work. He hadn't spoken to me in weeks. I tried to not let it get to me. He was upset that his daughter, who disappointed him on a regular basis, was heading out to Las Vegas by herself. Nobody wants their daughter to move far away, let alone Las Vegas with "friends" she barely knows. It's pretty much a father's worst nightmare. Anyway, I said my goodbyes to my mother and my sister and hopped in my car filled with my belongings that included a box of Honey Nut Cheerios and a 12-track cd that I listened to over and over again.

My life was about to begin.  Just me, my car, and the open road...